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| A Deer Fly. Satan's Favorite Bug |
We hate them. You hate them. We suspect they even hate each other.
These hell-spawned flying insectile flesh-eaters have been the bane of mankind since the first cavemen held the first cookout and found themselves leaking precious bodily fluids from their exposed flesh as a result of these tiny, yet wholly lethal, predators.
It is even theorized that the sport of Trail-Running came about not as an extension of competitive Track and Field events, but as a result of common hikers sprinting down wilderness paths in an attempt to flee clouds of vicious biting Deer Flies.
For millennia, mankind has been engaged in a frantic search for some substance, some
potion, spray or gel, nostrum or ointment, that will simply keep them the hell away.
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| Detail of the Deer Fly's Mouth Parts |
Tragically, such efforts have been to no avail. Until now, even the most potent of chemical repellants, including 100% pure DEET, have been about as effective as dousing oneself with Fry Sauce; seeming to only encourage even more frenzied feeding by these winged hypodermic needles.
But that was then.
NEW HOPE IS HERE NOW!
Today, the laboratories at Random Musings, along with their affiliates at The Facility, have teamed up with Happy Home Products to offer a unique product to control the scourge of Deer Flies with utter finality.
LET US INTRODUCE "THE ANTI-DEER FLY HAT"
Once you clap this effective and stylish cap over your noggin you'll be able to say "Goodbye" to crazed slapping at your extremities while shouting out Tourette's Syndrome-like curses, and instead say "Hello" to untroubled wilderness sojourns and peaceful picnics.
DON'T BE FOOLED BY COMPETITORS!
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| Guarantee: This Person Will Sit Next To You On The Bus |
Oh sure, there are other companies out there who offer very similar products, but many of them have made the mistake of sacrificing effectiveness for "safety" and we're skeptical of their claims. Rest assured that the product we offer is "The Real Deal" because we recognize that safety is an illusion, and provable results are what really matter. Trust us. Our product is 100% effective!*
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:
FACT: It has been discovered that Deer Flies are attracted to the invisible clouds of Carbon Dioxide emitted naturally by the human body. Armed with this knowledge, our scientists were able to produce a chemical that emits even more C02 vapor than you do... an irresistible lure to Deer Flies. So instead of swarming to your exposed flesh, the Deer Flies converge on the chemically-impregnated "patch" on your hat, where they become hopelessly trapped in its sticky and mildly-toxic surface and die.
BE THE ENVY OF ALL!
Imagine the chagrined looks of friends, family, and total strangers as you stride untroubled through your outdoor adventures with clumps of dead and dying Deer Flies stuck to your head while they (your friends, not the Deer Flies) continue to slap themselves and curse their lack of such protection!
Sure, you've essentially become a giant walking Fly Strip, and as such risk becoming a social pariah with a crown of dead bugs, but we think the trade-off is worth it. And why not? We just sell it. We don't have to actually wear it!
ORDER YOUR "ANTI-DEER FLY HAT" TODAY!
SINGLE-USE HAT, JUST $14.95 + $3 SHIPPING.
REFILL STRIPS: $12 (PACK OF 5)
*(Contraindications: Wearing the "Anti-Deer Fly Hat" for longer than 4 hours may cause reversible hair or nail loss, narcolepsy and/or insomnia, minor skin blistering, limited bone marrow depletion, flatulence, elbow cramps, temporary priapism, eyeball pustules, delusions of grandeur, auditory hallucinations, paranoia, agoraphobia, inverted kneecaps, and the condition known as "Balloon Ears.")
