Coming Attractions!

The following preview is rated PG13 for Reptilian Terror and Mild Cursing.

The movie being previewed is rated PG13.

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A land of incredible beauty.

A place of incredible danger.

It was supposed to be the vacation of a lifetime in a desert paradise.

He thought he was going on a relaxing hike in a remote Utah canyon.

He thought he could leave his troubles behind.

He was wrong.

Welcome to "Lizard Canyon."

Your vacation plans have just been re-routed to Hell.

But First, This Commercial Break:

Deer Flies (Family: Tabanidae, Genus: Chrysops):

A Deer Fly. Satan's Favorite Bug

We hate them. You hate them. We suspect they even hate each other.

These hell-spawned flying insectile flesh-eaters have been the bane of mankind since the first cavemen held the first cookout and found themselves leaking precious bodily fluids from their exposed flesh as a result of these tiny, yet wholly lethal, predators.

It is even theorized that the sport of Trail-Running came about not as an extension of competitive Track and Field events, but as a result of common hikers sprinting down wilderness paths in an attempt to flee clouds of vicious biting Deer Flies.

For millennia, mankind has been engaged in a frantic search for some substance, some

Detail of the Deer Fly's Mouth Parts

potion, spray or gel, nostrum or ointment, that will simply keep them the hell away.

Tragically, such efforts have been to no avail. Until now, even the most potent of chemical repellants, including 100% pure DEET, have been about as effective as dousing oneself with Fry Sauce; seeming to only encourage even more frenzied feeding by these winged hypodermic needles.

But that was then.

NEW HOPE IS HERE NOW!

Today, the laboratories at Random Musings, along with their affiliates at The Facility, have teamed up with Happy Home Products to offer a unique product to control the scourge of Deer Flies with utter finality.

LET US INTRODUCE "THE ANTI-DEER FLY HAT"

Once you clap this effective and stylish cap over your noggin you'll be able to say "Goodbye" to crazed slapping at your extremities while shouting out Tourette's Syndrome-like curses, and instead say "Hello" to untroubled wilderness sojourns and peaceful picnics.

DON'T BE FOOLED BY COMPETITORS!

Guarantee: This Person Will
Sit Next To You On The Bus

Oh sure, there are other companies out there who offer very similar products, but many of them have made the mistake of sacrificing effectiveness for "safety" and we're skeptical of their claims. Rest assured that the product we offer is "The Real Deal" because we recognize that safety is an illusion, and provable results are what really matter. Trust us. Our product is 100% effective!*

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

FACT: It has been discovered that Deer Flies are attracted to the invisible clouds of Carbon Dioxide emitted naturally by the human body. Armed with this knowledge, our scientists were able to produce a chemical that emits even more C02 vapor than you do... an irresistible lure to Deer Flies. So instead of swarming to your exposed flesh, the Deer Flies converge on the chemically-impregnated "patch" on your hat, where they become hopelessly trapped in its sticky and mildly-toxic surface and die.

BE THE ENVY OF ALL!

Imagine the chagrined looks of friends, family, and total strangers as you stride untroubled through your outdoor adventures with clumps of dead and dying Deer Flies stuck to your head while they (your friends, not the Deer Flies) continue to slap themselves and curse their lack of such protection!

Sure, you've essentially become a giant walking Fly Strip, and as such risk becoming a social pariah with a crown of dead bugs, but we think the trade-off is worth it. And why not? We just sell it. We don't have to actually wear it!

ORDER YOUR "ANTI-DEER FLY HAT" TODAY!

SINGLE-USE HAT, JUST $14.95 + $3 SHIPPING.

REFILL STRIPS: $12 (PACK OF 5)

*(Contraindications: Wearing the "Anti-Deer Fly Hat" for longer than 4 hours may cause reversible hair or nail loss, narcolepsy and/or insomnia, minor skin blistering, limited bone marrow depletion, flatulence, elbow cramps, temporary priapism, eyeball pustules, delusions of grandeur, auditory hallucinations, paranoia, agoraphobia, inverted kneecaps, and the condition known as "Balloon Ears.")

Episode 3, Part 1: Party Invitations

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN

DR. QUENTIN BLOOR, DIRECTOR OF THE FACILITY,

AND ROBERT, "ROCK" ABSLAB, HEAD OF SECURITY

FOR THE FACILITY:

Preceeding Episodes can be found at the following links:

Episode 1 

Episode 2 

An Explanation for Abslab's language

ALL previous entries relating to The Facility (Recommended Reading)

----------------

DQB (Dr. Quentin Bloor): "Abslab, are you there? Come in Abslab, this is Bloor."

[static]

DQB" "Come in Abslab. We have a situation. Please come in."

"This is Abslab. Come in Dr. Bloor."

RA (Robert Abslab): "This is Abslab. What's up, Doc?"

DQB: "I do wish you wouldn't phrase your salutations that way, Absab. This conversation is far from cartoonish in nature."

RA: "Sorry sir. No disrespect intended. Just trying to keep it [censored] light, you know? What's the situation?"

DQB: "We need you to come home. Immediately. New information has surfaced regarding the disappearance of Kowalski. You're to be redeployed to the canyon."

RA: "[censored]. Are you serious? Gottlieb's just locked in on a possible exit gate for the subject of the current mission. I've got a [censored] team saddled up and ready to roll through."

DQB: "Well saddle your cowboys up for the canyon instead, Abslab. 'OPERATION WALDO' takes precedence. Need I remind you that Kowalski is family and this directive thereby supersedes any and all active missions?"

[static]

DQB: Abslab, are you there?"

RA: "Sorry sir. We're picking up a load of [censored] bleed-through signals from Gottlieb's gate. Reading you 5-by-5 now. Message understood. Calling in the crew and packing up."

DQB: "Splendid. We'll have everything you need upon arrival. MacGreggor will be standing by to brief you and your men in Conference Room B in, shall we say, 12 hours? That should be adequate time for travel and a bit of rest and recuperation for your team, will it not?"

RA: "We can rest when we're [censored] dead, sir. We'll be there and ready in half that if you need us."

DQB: "I appreciate the dedication, Abslab, but this looks like a next-level mission. I need you and your men to be crisp prior to departure. Take the R&R time. Am I being clear about this?"

RA: "Crystal. See you in 12, sir."

DQB: "Outstanding. Over and out."

[static]

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To Be Continued....

…And Now A Word From Our Sponsors:

Uncomfortable with your association with someone who seems incapable of expressing themselves verbally without including numerous embarrassing and hair-raising profanities?

Tired of that friend, family member, or co-worker who can't seem to make it through even the most basic of conversational situations without liberally peppering it with swear-words, vulgarities and awkward sexually-based innuendoes?

Perhaps you yourself are unable to carry on a conversation, even in the company of total strangers, without resorting to the use of societally frowned upon expletives to make your so-called point?

Targeted Areas Appear in Red

Fear not,  as those days are now a thing of the past, thanks to the revolutionary "LF (Language Forbearance)-Chip"™ developed by the science experts at the Nationally-Acclaimed laboratories at The Facility and distributed exclusively by their affiliates at Happy Home Products.

Based on the same electronic technology used in the V-Chip™ found in many consumer televisions, the LF-Chip™ discretely attaches itself to the major linguistic centers of the human brain, unobtrusively converting verbal profanity signals, from the audio perspective of listeners, to an inoffensive garbled buzzing sound!

But wait, there's more!

In addition to "cleaning up"  verbalizations,  the LF-Chip also effectively expurgates even written transcripts, causing potentially offensive words and passages to appear as the bracketed substitute of "[censored]". The LF-Chip™ can also be pre-programmed based on The Carlin Scale of Linguistic Acceptability, as well as standards set by the Motion Picture Rating System, to allow or disallow certain words or phrases. 

And, thanks to the LF-Chip's™ proprietary technology, implanting the chip couldn't be easier!

And It's So Easy To Use!

Simply strike the back of the recipient's skull with the patented "LF-Chip™ Delivery Tool"™ and let science do the rest! With the optional Right-Angle-Extension-Adaptor™, the procedure can even be self-administered!

After a quick and relatively painless cranial blow (a mere 3 on the 10-based Kawagari Scale of Personal Agony) the LF-Chip™ embedded in the tool's striking surface is transferred and gently works its way into the brain, allowing you to soon say goodbye to inappropriate outbursts of unnecessary* vulgarity from yourself or others once and for all!

Just listen to this testimonial from Robert "Rock" Abslab, Head of Security for The Facility, and inveterate "Potty Mouth":

It Really Works!

"I was pretty [censored] skeptical at first, because it's like if I can't swear, I can't [censored] think straight. But the beauty of this [censored] gizmo is that in my mind I'm still swearing, you know? So there's no cognitive dissonance to [censored] up my train of thought like if I had to stop and self-censor by trying to come up with some word to substitute for what I'd naturally use. I don't get why certain words are such a big [censored] deal to some people, but whatever. If the LF-Chip™ helps keep me in the [censored] field kicking ass, without slowing me down mentally, what the hell, I say."

So what are you waiting for?

Order your "LF-Chip™ Delivery System" today and start enjoying the peace of mind that comes with carefully sanitized language right away!

LF-CHIP™ DELIVERY SYSTEM: $149.99.

BUY ONE, GET THE SECOND FOR JUST $89.99!

(OPTIONAL RIGHT-ANGLE-EXTENSION-ADAPTOR: $39.99)

RUSH DELIVERY: $29.99!

*In cases of extreme duress, the processors in the LF-Chip™ may malfunction and allow some external profanity leakage.

Episode 2: The Gate Swings Open

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

UPDATE FROM THE FACILITY

RE: THE DISAPPEARANCE OF FIELD AGENT CLINTON "CLINT" KOWALSKI.

Following the disappearance of Field Agent Clinton "Clint" Kowalski in October 2012 in a remote southern Utah canyon a party of security specialists including Robert "Rock" Abslab, Chief Security Officer for The Facility, were immediately dispatched in an attempt to ascertain Kowalski's fate.

Until recently, the only clues found were a fragmented video camera memory card (readers are recommended to view archival footage HERE before proceeding) which seemed to show Kowalski's discovery of a number of ancient ruins and structures of undetermined origin, as well as documenting his growing paranoia that he was being followed.

Over a period of several weeks, the investigation into Kowalski's disappearance became increasingly fruitless and search efforts were scaled back to include just two low level local operatives who, for security reasons, are identified only as Agents B12 and C14.

The marker over Kowalski's phone.

On May 27, 2013, while on routine patrol in a side canyon, Agent C14 found an unusual cairn of stones. Facility policy (See Directive 34-23/b) mandates that all such artifacts in areas classified as Level 4 (locations of high probability of non-terrestrial activity) be excavated and recorded immediately in accord with Facility protocol.

Beneath the stone cairn, at a depth of 23 cm, Agent C14 uncovered a damaged Facility-Issue Smartphone Model 11 with the serial number 111445667BG1182, which was later verified as having belonged to the missing Kowalski.

Not unexpectedly, environmental factors had caused a great deal of damage to the phone's internal memory card. However, the Hard Data Recovery Unit (HDRU) at The Facility was still able to extract some quantity of useful, and in the words of Facility Director Dr. Quentin Bloor, "rather unsettling information" from the phone's digital camera as well as from the standard on-board journaling app.

While much of the phone's information remains under Deep Classification Status at The Facility's laboratories pending further study, the following fragments of journal transcripts and their attached photographs (click to enlarge) have been cleared for public release (notes from The Facility are bracketed in red). The Facility apologizes for the breaks in text data:

JOURNAL: OCT. 28 2012:

Purple sky. No idea where I am anymore. Think I'm still in the same canyon but surroundings seem wrong. I [data unrecoverable] Landscape similar but usual trails [data unrecoverable].

How is this possible?

JOURNAL: NOV. 18, 2012:

Found what appears to be a version of the Mayan Calendar lodged against a tree in floodplain of the river. In southern Ut? How is [data unrecoverable] After meeting with [data unrecoverable] I have come to the conclusion that [data unrecoverable] night sky seems darker than usual, constellations somehow disordered [data unrecoverable]..

JOURNAL: DEC. 28 2012:

Another Christmas away from home. Wish I could tell [data unrecoverable] her. I miss being [data unrecoverable]. Irrelevant now I guess as the [data unrecoverable] was right and the pinheads at NASA were full of [data unrecoverable]. Radio telescopes and other data sources were as blind as [data unrecoverable].

JOURNAL: JAN. 27 2013:

Green Flames!

Campground swept away in a storm of flames. Green Flames... GREEN FLAMES! Trying to get some pics but it's so hot I [data unrecoverable]could have done? Too late now. If it's like this here in this remote place major cities must be [data unrecoverable]. I have either lost my mind or [data unrecoverable]Food supplies running low. Surviving on edible plants and the occasional lizard.

It cannot be.

JOURNAL: JAN. 30 2013

Sanity must be slipping because of hunger [data unrecoverable] similar to illus[data unrecoverable] Quetzalcoatl. 100 feet tall moving thru flames like some sort of [data unrecoverable] when the calendar ended? 

JOURNAL: MAR. 18 2013:
I have been befriended by [data unrecoverable] fed me and gave me information that our theories regarding [data unrecoverable]  not what data originally predicted. The time/space coordinates of what we [data unrecoverable] horribly wrong. You are NOT safe where you [data unrecoverable] dimensional bleed-though. 

JOURNAL: APR. 24 2013:

Hunting party nearby. Blue stone arrowheads? Ammo low. Seeking shelter near [data unrecoverable] but buried phone for anyone who [data unrecoverable] Come get me. Come get me. Come get me. The gate is [data unrecoverable]

TO BE CONTINUED...