Just Arrived! How To Be Happy

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need

Tired of feeling down, depressed, and disjointed in a world that seems determined to prevent you from experiencing the true happiness that should be your right to enjoy? Constantly disappointed by the superficial council of all those dubious gurus of self-help whose remedies for your inner turmoil last about as long as it takes you to finish their book?

Forget the ramblings of bald-headed loons like "Dr." Phil, and "Dr." Wayne Dyer and scores of other self-appoined "life-coaches." They've found their own paths to contentment, and we think that's swell, but it often seems to us that their roads to enlightenment have been paved with the stones of your hard-earned dollars and lead not to your salvation but rather to their own bank accounts. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Here at Happy Home Products, we realize that the roadblocks on your path to contentment simply can't be removed by spending a few hours reading through some meager 200-page book with pictures of butterflies on the cover.

What you need is in-depth instruction with the exact details of how to find true happiness. And that's exactly what you'll find in this back-breaking and eye-opening volume of wisdom entitled, simply, How To Be Happy.

In his magnum opus, Dr. Roderick "Rocky" Abslab (grandfather of Robert "Rock" Abslab, head of security at our parent company, The Facility), maps the precise steps you need to completely wipe your "mental hard drive" and reinstall a fresh operating system free of corrupted files and outdated programs.

Packed with charts, graphs, and sound advice delivered in the trademark direct language of the Abslab family, this 6000-page, 45-pound guidebook will blast your mind to new levels and finally put you on a direct course to personal fulfillment.

Just check out this excerpt from Chapter 9: Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?

One of 100's of Useful Graphs

"The Universe has been around for something like 12 billion years . . . 12 [censored] billion! And it's going to be around for a few billion more before the sun turns to a red giant and swallows the earth like a [censored] raw oyster. On that scale your moment in time isn't even a blink. So get over yourself. At best you're a [censored] cog in a machine you'll never figure out. But that's good news because once you accept that, you'll be able to focus on this moment, this exact right NOW, in your life and start enjoying the scenery rather than whining about the [censored] bumpy ride."

Other chapters include:

• Empowerment Without Empathy: A Quick Path To Becoming A Jackass

• Positive Self-Affirmations: The Loser's Mantra

• Throw Your Television In The Trash

• Building Esteem Without Actual Substance: A Ticket To Disappointment

• How To Bake Perfect Brownies

• Some Days Are Going To Suck. Deal With It

• Look, Listen, Learn, Remember: What To Let Go Of And What To Keep

• Life Is But A Dream And Other New-Age Misconceptions

• Cutting Slack: How To Do It For Yourself And Others

• If The Ancients Were So Wise, Where The [censored] Are They Now

• Keeping Your Shoelaces Tied: More Important Than You Might Think

Don't delay! Order your copy of How To Be Happy today! As Dr. Abslab notes, there are no guarantees in life, but we can assure you that once you've finished reading this massive tome not only will you be older, but you'll likely be considerably wiser. As for being happier? That's a choice you'll have to make for yourself by placing your order right this very moment!

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How To Be Happy

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Alien Threat Eliminated

Officials at The Facility, a science and research agency affiliated with Random Musings, announced today that an apparent attack by a hostile alien being has been successfully stopped. No civilian casualties were reported during what witnesses describe as "very relaxed combat action."

Pre-combat film footage taken by First Contact Teams from The Facility clearly shows a towering, vaguely cylindrical creature obviously not of this world, attempting to smash its way through the wall of a local barber shop.

"This time we were fortunate," says Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility. "Rather than the freakishly strong and armored alien attacker that we have come to expect, the creature was instead an ambulatory air-filled organism protected only by a layer of durable, but thin, flesh."

Bloor believes that the creature could have continued to flail away for days, perhaps even weeks or months, without causing any discernible damage to the building. However, due to what Facility researchers have termed "The Quantum Annoyance Factor," teams were rapidly dispatched to the site to eliminate this most recent threat to man's hierarchy on planet earth.

A New Weapon Against the Alien Scourge

"We hit the ground with [censored] massive amounts of firepower," says Robert "Rock" Abslab, chief of security at The Facility. "Turns out we were way [censored] over-prepared. Didn't even take time to lock and load, baby. Our man Sargent Brannock over there just dropped his gun and ran up to the thing and stabbed it in the ass with a big [censored] safety pin and down it went. Nothing left but an empty pile of alien skin. It was [censored] beautiful."

"It's Standard Facility issue," said Brannock when reporters asked him why he was carrying a safety pin the size of a hunting knife. "So don't be all up in my grill about it, okay?"

Bloor cautions that while this gaseous threat to our populace's well-being has been eliminated, growing evidence indicates that further assaults on the planet by extraterrestrial and extra-dimensional adversaries are not only possible, by highly probable.

Officials at The Facility are asking citizens to remain extra-vigilant, and keep their eyes on the sky, as a watchful populace is our best defense against invasion.