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| "Why was I not made of stone, like thee?" – Victor Hugo |
We don't know what the weather is like where you are, but here at the Happy Home Products headquarters, we're starting to wonder if there ever really were such things as blue sky and sunshine.
Even the shelves our warehouses, so normally full of brightly-colored products of cheer and wonder, now seem to be sagging beneath the weight of winter's icy embrace.
It was in the gloom-shrouded aisles of Warehouse B that we came across this grim tableau of petrified cherubs, apparently frozen in the act of dining on an old tire. Beholding them, you'll wonder, as did we, what terrible force turned them to stone during their bleak repast. Our best guess is that Medusa passed by and these unfortunate angels spared her a glance, thus sealing their fate to eventually crumble away to gray dust as time marches unmercifully onward.
We're sure that once this monochromatic sculptural marvel takes up residence in your home you'll be inspired to pause for a moment during the daily empty chores of your life to ponder the fleeting nature of life, and to whisper, "please, when it's my turn to leave this world, at least let me not be preserved stuffing food into my mouth with a stupid look on my face."
We can't even pretend to offer any answers as to what may lie beyond this life, but we can give our guarantee that this durable item will likely be around long after you're gone, leaving your descendants to wonder why the hell you would have bought such a thing. Scant comfort, we know, when faced with questions of mortality, but it's the only truth we have to offer.
Our time here is short, so don't delay! Begin your Existential Journey today by ordering this stony representation of the dark cloud of doubt that is ordinarily surrounded by the whimsical silver lining of hope you have carefully constructed for yourself. Now at a special sale price!
Petrified Cherubs of Gloom
Regular Price: $34.95
NOW: You know what? We don't even care anymore. Just make an offer.
