Urgent Recall of Festive Balls

 . . . . Breaking News Bulletin Just In . . . .

A Mystery Ball glows eerily in
a Facility containment device.

Officials at The Facility today called for an urgent and immediate recall of all "Festive Mystery Balls" (Catalog #1011001100111) sold and distributed by their subsidiary company, Happy Home Products, last week.

The product, which was advertised as being able to produce feelings of euphoria in purchasers, has since been determined to be the delivery vessel for an extremely hostile species of trans-dimensional alien intelligence capable of taking over human thought and behavior.

Testing continues at The Facility to determine the exact origin of the malignant orbs, but initial results indicate they were able to cross over from a parallel dimension through a small rip in the time-space continuum and appear in the Happy Home Products warehouse.

Late-stage victims of
"Festive Mystery Ball Syndrome."

Reports of affected individuals engaging in psychic brain-cannibalism and other forms of civil unrest are already filtering into branches of The Facility around the globe, sending staff members and Facility Emergency Action Teams (F.E.A.T's) scrambling to prevent further societal disruptions.

"It's absolutely unbelievable," says Dr. Melissa [last name obscured for security purposes], head of the Common Sense Oversight Agency at The Facility.

"This is the most egregious breach of protocol we've seen yet," she says. "These things show up at Happy Home Products and they just start shipping them all over the planet without a word to us? Please. Give me a break. We should have been called in before the crates were even opened. Who knows how many people have been affected because of those [censored] morons over there. Excuse my French, but I'm very upset."

The Reverse-Dimensional

Neutralizer destroys an orb.

In a press conference via closed-cicuit television, Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, admits that while the situation looks grim now, he is optimistic that this unfortunate incident has been caught early enough to be resolved with a minimum of collateral damage if unaffected individuals rally to cooperate.

"We're asking citizens to come forward immediately if they, or anyone they know, may have a Festive Mystery Ball in their possession," says Bloor. "The alien orbs can be eliminated, but it is vital that proper handling procedures be followed for transporting them to our laboratories for safe disposal."

In his brief televised appearance, Bloor cautioned that civilians should not attempt to return, touch, or even look at, the Festive Mystery Balls themselves, but instead report any and all information they have to local authorities, who will coordinate further action.

Bloor is confident the threat can be destroyed by Reverse-Dimensional Neutralizers developed by The Facility for just this purpose. Several dozen of the machines are ready and standing by, according to lab technicians.

An affected civilian receives
specialized treatment.

Before being taken to his secure chambers until the crisis is ended, Bloor advised individuals concerned they may have been contaminated by exposure to the alien artifacts that they are eligible for free consultation and treatment by trained specialists at any local office of The Facility world wide.

Meanwhile, a spokesman from Happy Home Products says that as soon as the company is re-staffed, complimentary Gift Certificates will be issued to all customers who made purchases during the month of December.

A SCIENTIFIC AND RESEARCH DIVISION OF RANDOM MUSINGS