Safe, Modern, Effective!

So efficient you'll hardly know it's there!

You'll quickly become the envy of your neighborhood once you have this marvel of modern technology installed in the basement of your home!

Just imagine . . . no more awkward bending at the waist or squatting down to fiddle with the controls on one of those old-fashioned models! Once this ultra-modern product is in place, bruised knuckles and sore knees from constant manual re-calibrations will be a thing of the past.

And say goodbye to those unpleasant family arguments about whose turn it is to go downstairs to perform the exhausting series of calculations required to decrement the counter to zero on your old, inferior unit!

Annoying and embarrassing resets are no longer even an issue with this space-age device! Thanks to its advanced patented features allowing it to sense the molecular fluctuations of your home's systems, this model adapts and adjusts itself automatically! Plus, it's the only model approved  for both organic and inorganic variances!

At last, you'll be able to fall into an untroubled sleep whenever you choose knowing that the unit's sychronous retro-entabulators are working quietly in the background day and night to provide the most desirable levels of output available by law for everyone in your household.

We're so certain that you'll be delighted with this product that we're offering free delivery and set-up for the month of January. As an extra bonus, we'll even remove your old unit to be safely dismantled for disposal at our facilities.

With the End of the World predicted by the Mayan Calendar less than a year away, don't you think it's time you made an investment in the well-being of your family today? While we can't guarantee absolute safety in the event of a galactic apocalypse, we can assure you that once this product is in place, cleanup will be a breeze!

Order Yours Today!

NOW JUST $4850, while supplies last.
(Please specify square footage of home, birth dates of family members,
and religious affiliations prior to ordering so that we may determine the
model right for you.)

The End May Be Near

I'm guessing the Founding Fathers never saw this coming.

This week in my travels, I found this particularly upsetting example of a product that manages to combine our culture's unhealthy obsession with both youth and fame in one garish package.

No, your eyes don't deceive you. It's a Justin Bieber "Brush Buddies™" set.

Is there no end to the indignities we must endure?

Apparently not.

It's bad enough that numerous news agencies are all up in our collective faces incessantly reporting the dimwitted escapades of the cretinous celebrities our declining society has produced, but now we're being asked to put them in our mouths.

According to the product's description, in addition to dental floss, this boxed set contains not only a "child-sized" Justin Bieber toothbrush but also an "adult-sized" version. Personally, I'm a bit appalled by both, but there's something extra-creepy about the fact the toothbrush is available in a model for grownups.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking if the only way you can find to bond with your offspring is by hovering over the bathroom sink together and scrubbing your pearly-whites with singing* toothbrushes embellished with Justin's face (whose features, like the toothbrush itself, appear to have been molded of plastic), the time may have come for you to take a hard look at who is actually in charge of your household.

And if you're an adult buying this product for yourself? Well . . .  decorum prohibits me from continuing. Let's just say that perhaps some sort of counseling is in order, and leave it there.

If you're still skeptical that the End Times are rapidly drawing near, feel free to follow this link: Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush. Or perhaps this one: Brush Buddies Commercial.

Or, better yet, skip both links altogether and preserve whatever shreds of sanity you may still possess.

-------
*You heard right: At the touch of a button, the toothbrushes also "sing" a two-minute rendition of your choice of two tunes from The Bieb's musical catalog. Somehow I suspect that the sound quality will be less than "Audiophile".

Urgent Recall of Festive Balls

 . . . . Breaking News Bulletin Just In . . . .

A Mystery Ball glows eerily in
a Facility containment device.

Officials at The Facility today called for an urgent and immediate recall of all "Festive Mystery Balls" (Catalog #1011001100111) sold and distributed by their subsidiary company, Happy Home Products, last week.

The product, which was advertised as being able to produce feelings of euphoria in purchasers, has since been determined to be the delivery vessel for an extremely hostile species of trans-dimensional alien intelligence capable of taking over human thought and behavior.

Testing continues at The Facility to determine the exact origin of the malignant orbs, but initial results indicate they were able to cross over from a parallel dimension through a small rip in the time-space continuum and appear in the Happy Home Products warehouse.

Late-stage victims of
"Festive Mystery Ball Syndrome."

Reports of affected individuals engaging in psychic brain-cannibalism and other forms of civil unrest are already filtering into branches of The Facility around the globe, sending staff members and Facility Emergency Action Teams (F.E.A.T's) scrambling to prevent further societal disruptions.

"It's absolutely unbelievable," says Dr. Melissa [last name obscured for security purposes], head of the Common Sense Oversight Agency at The Facility.

"This is the most egregious breach of protocol we've seen yet," she says. "These things show up at Happy Home Products and they just start shipping them all over the planet without a word to us? Please. Give me a break. We should have been called in before the crates were even opened. Who knows how many people have been affected because of those [censored] morons over there. Excuse my French, but I'm very upset."

The Reverse-Dimensional

Neutralizer destroys an orb.

In a press conference via closed-cicuit television, Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, admits that while the situation looks grim now, he is optimistic that this unfortunate incident has been caught early enough to be resolved with a minimum of collateral damage if unaffected individuals rally to cooperate.

"We're asking citizens to come forward immediately if they, or anyone they know, may have a Festive Mystery Ball in their possession," says Bloor. "The alien orbs can be eliminated, but it is vital that proper handling procedures be followed for transporting them to our laboratories for safe disposal."

In his brief televised appearance, Bloor cautioned that civilians should not attempt to return, touch, or even look at, the Festive Mystery Balls themselves, but instead report any and all information they have to local authorities, who will coordinate further action.

Bloor is confident the threat can be destroyed by Reverse-Dimensional Neutralizers developed by The Facility for just this purpose. Several dozen of the machines are ready and standing by, according to lab technicians.

An affected civilian receives
specialized treatment.

Before being taken to his secure chambers until the crisis is ended, Bloor advised individuals concerned they may have been contaminated by exposure to the alien artifacts that they are eligible for free consultation and treatment by trained specialists at any local office of The Facility world wide.

Meanwhile, a spokesman from Happy Home Products says that as soon as the company is re-staffed, complimentary Gift Certificates will be issued to all customers who made purchases during the month of December.

A SCIENTIFIC AND RESEARCH DIVISION OF RANDOM MUSINGS

Chariot of Doom

. . . . Important Breaking News . . . .

It could be nothing at all . . . .

Officials at The Facility, a division of Random Musings, issued an urgent news statement today regarding "an object of concern" found in a local grocery store.

The object, which is described as what appears to be a sleigh devouring a hapless elf, has investigators looking into the possibility that the elf's oversized feet and legs may in fact disguise the multiple heads of a vicious alien in its larval stage, while the sled itself could conceal its developing body and wings.

"It's quite possible that we're looking at just another example of inexplicable holiday decor," says Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, "but one can never be too careful about such things . . . especially given the rise in UFO sightings of late. In the interest of public safety, we've taken the precaution of dispatching a team of our best investigators to the scene ."

Robert "Rock" Abslab, security chief at The Facility, is prepared for whatever his expeditionary team may find.

. . . or it could be a multi-headed alien death machine.

"Yeah, we're bringing some serious [censored] firepower to the game," says Abslab, patting the stock of his custom-made Ruger™ assault rifle. "On full auto, this baby spits out 750 armor-piercing rounds per [censored] minute, and this bad boy under the barrel? [Censored] grenade launcher. Nice, huh? Hank over there is packing the flamethrower. In this business it pays to be prepared, because you never know what kind of crazy [censored] you might come up against. Am I right, or am I [censored] right?"

Field explorer, Rand MacGreggor, supports Abslab's level of preparedness, noting that as the collapse of civilization predicted by the end of the Mayan calendar on December 23, 2012, approaches, incidences of the unexplained being reported to The Facility have reached record highs.

"We're investigating everything that shows up on our radar at this point," says MacGreggor. "We've already neutralized several attempts by lifeforms not of this earth to infiltrate humanity this year, and if it hadn't been for Rock's tactical expertise it's likely that by now we would no longer be the dominant species."

Dr. Bloor states that lifeforms of extraterrestrial, as well as extradimensional, origin have become increasingly crafty in their methods of disguise as they continue their relentless attempts to invade our world. As an example he sites a similar case, where what at first appeared to be an over-sized Thanksgiving "Horn of Plenty" decoration indeed proved to be an egg-sac for a particularly unpleasant species of alien.

Don't hesitate to call in disturbing reports

"Most humans go about their lives as though wearing blinders," says Bloor. "In this state of tunnel-vision the average person is largely oblivious to the appearance of even the most bizarre of objects, and sadly to the great beauty as well, in the world around them. The aliens are well aware of this flaw in our makeup as human beings, and they are exploiting it to the fullest."

Pending resolution of what has been code named "Operation Slay-Ride" Dr. Bloor is encouraging locals to continue their normal activities, but be prepared to seek cover immediately upon hearing machine gun fire and explosions in their vicinity.

The Facility is also asking that citizens across the planet be extra vigilant this holiday season, and report any suspicious activity in the sky. Consumers should also report the appearance of any unusually large, oddly-shaped, and incongruous ornaments and decorations.

We Don't Know Either

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOMES PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

We'll be the first to admit we have absolutely no clue what these are, or even where they came from. We certainly didn't order them, but they showed up on our loading dock last week in several unmarked crates, so we decided to take a leap of faith and offer them here in the hopes that our loyal customers will help us clear them out of our storerooms.

We feel pretty darn good about these

Although the initial reaction to these clusters of unidentifiable globules is one of revulsion, we've found that after handling them for awhile they begin to produce strangely pleasant nurturing sensations and a feeling of well-being! In fact, we felt so good about these mesmerizing spheroids that we realized sending them to The Facility for safety-testing would be a waste of time for the already overworked scientists at our parent company.

Don't wait a moment longer to order yours though, as many of our employees are already scurrying away as fast as their bipedal transport mechanisms will carry them with armloads of these oddly-compelling decorative orbs (no doubt to be given as unique gifts to their own family and friends) and supplies are dwindling!

We're so sure you'll also soon be equally entranced, that we're practically giving them away this holiday season! Truth be told, we are giving them away by including not one, but two, of these enigmatic lumpy spheres with every order that leaves our warehouse . . . ABSOLUTELY FREE (while supplies last)! In return, all we ask is that once they're in your possession you display them prominently in your home so that all may enjoy their tranquil aura.

In the very likely event that you'll want even more, we're willing to part with them for the extra-special Holiday price of just $1.99 each!

Order several today, and do your part to start spreading as much Joy to the World as humanly possible!

Festive Mystery Balls

Catalog #1011001100111

$1.99

(Prolonged exposure may produce tingling of the extremities, visions, skull-numbness, pineal gland stimulation, mild xenophobia, and temporary sensations of telepathic communication with outside entities. This is normal, and not a cause for alarm.)

A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

The Cleanest Bathroom on the Block

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOMES PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

So shiny and bright, you'll need sunglasses!

This season, why not give your Holiday Throne the deep-down scrubbing it so richly deserves with our functional and attractive Decorative Pine Tree & Triple-Action Bowl Brush Combo?

Say goodbye to that ineffective and unsightly single-headed brush you've been using, and stride purposefully into the 21st century armed with the most effective manual bowl cleaning tool ever devised. Why exert yourself vigorously scrubbing for minutes at a time with an old-fashioned brush, when you can finish the job in one fell swoop with virtually no risk of bristle spray-back?

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3:

1) While grasping the special germ-resistant fabric bundle at base of the brush, push the entire unit point first into the bowl until the last brush cluster is just below the rim. Don't worry . . . the super-flexible "tree trunk" is springy enough to follow the twists and turns of even the most convoluted plumbing systems without breaking or binding!

2) Once the Triple-Action Bowl Brush is in place, turn the base clockwise for 2 complete rotations, and Voila! Pipes, bowl, and even those hard-to-reach places under the rim are rendered spotless with unparalleled ease!

3) Now simply withdraw the brush and stand it on the floor in any location you find aesthetically pleasing and, as if by magic, this functional cleaning tool transforms into a beautiful piece of bathroom decor! Any water left in the brush's bristles will trickle harmlessly downward to be absorbed and sterilized in the base, leaving you free to go about your day untroubled by hygienic concerns.

We think the choice is easy!

Gone are the days of trying to hide those inferior bowl brushes in the cabinet under the sink, or in a corner somewhere where they're sure to tip over or be spotted by a sharp-eyed visitor to your home's lavatory. You'll sleep easier at night knowing that when you have company over they'll be marveling at your housekeeping skills, rather than fretting about their proximity to any potential sources of contagion from less artfully disguised cleaning tools!

Adorn and restore your commode to that "factory-new" condition and order your Decorative Pine Tree & Triple-Action Bowl Brush Combo today!

Just $29.99 each.
Holiday Special: Order two and receive a third for half-price!
(Do not handle with bare hands. Does not include recommended safety googles and rubber apron)

A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Jingle All The Way Underpants

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOME PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

Now available in fresh pine scent!

When we came across these satiny jingle bell-festooned holiday underpants in a local shopping center, we literally burst into sobs of joy and fell writhing to the floor in disbelief at their overwhelming holiday magnificence. But the price! It was an outrage! We knew in a moment we could do better for our loyal catalog customers.

We spoke not a word, but returned to our offices, picked up the phone and made a quick call. Our overseas factory soon told us we had nothing to dread. With a nod of our heads the shorts were soon ordered, and in a twinkling arrived with a minimal tariff.

In stock now, these Yuletide boxers shine with the luster of new-fallen snow, and are ready to be delivered to you within 5 working days! We know better than to ask what kind of materials our foreign partners used in the creation of these festive vestments, but trust us, their bells are somehow more jingly and their sheen more shiny than their Big Box Store counterparts . . . and at a fraction of the price!

As an added bonus, these whimsical little pants have also been magically infused with the scent of fresh pine!

The perfect gift for that spouse or significant other who has trouble "getting into the holiday spirit" now and then, we're sure that their Scrooge-like sentiments will fly up the chimney once you've convinced them to don these delightful undies.

Adorned with a dozen jingling bells

Take our word for it: in spite of the ringlets of jingle bell indentations left stamped on their thighs, the sight of your beloved standing resplendent 'neath the mistletoe in these spritely skivvies will inspire more than visions of sugar-plums to go dancing through your head!

Order several pairs today, and ensure years of romps through your own domestic winter wonderland for many seasons to come!

Available in sizes from "Elfin" to "Santa Plus."

Just $14.95, or two for $28.

(Do not wear near open flame or electrical devices. Prolonged contact my cause mild blistering. Keep away from pets.)

-Thanks to Melissa from the Common Sense Oversight Agency at The Facility for bringing these to our attention-

A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Santa: Fully Loaded

 A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Let him in. He's got the good stuff!

Out on your lawn arises a clatter, so you race to the front door to see what's the matter. You fling it wide open, prepared for the worst, and what to your wondering eyes should appear? Why, it's Jolly Old St. Nick himself! And from his swaying stance and unfocused expression, you can tell in a moment he's soused to the gills!

Here at Happy Home Products, we're sure everyone in your household will be intoxicated with seasonal joy when you invite this 14-inch tall replica of the whimsically whacked Merry Man in Red to take up residence on your favorite bookshelf or coffee table! Just don't place him too close to the fireplace, or where ambient temperatures may exceed 89 degrees Fahrenheit, as when heated some of the materials used in the production of these meticulously-crafted statuettes may release mildly-carcinogenic fumes.

You'll laugh 'til your belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly as your entire family gathers 'round to take turns imagining what lavish gifts the inebriated elf might be persuaded to bestow upon them in his besotted condition! Don't try to turn it into a Yuletide intervention though, or Santa might push up his fur-lined sleeves and decide, with a twinkle in his eye, that he wants to fight Grandpa Joe!

We're not sure which eye
to look into either!

But speaking of fighting, don't be left pummeling yourself with remorse when you discover that this fanciful figure of holiday over-indulgence has been sold out!

Order yours today, and avoid another crushing reminder of your inadequacy as a consumer of overseas imports this season!

Only $112, while supplies last!

(Please add $40 for mandatory leakproof shipping container)

Good Lord They're Everywhere!

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOME PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

You wish you could look away. But you cannot.

This holiday season, why not add a disquieting touch of festive whimsy to your household by adorning every available flat surface therein with swarms of sweetly slumbering infants nestled in the dismembered wings of doves?

Carefully molded of durable plastic resin in cheerful faraway factories, and hand-detailed with presumably non-toxic paint by young artists who love their jobs so much they're willing to work for pennies a day, these delightful ornaments are sure to make you smile uncontrollably for hours on end!

These 4-inch wide sculptures are now available in economical packages of 12, so you'll be able to ensure that everyone who visits your home during the holidays will be merrily dashing toward your liquor cabinet when they glance around and see at least one of these downy bundles of joy everywhere they look. And who would blame them? Certainly not us! We've found that a healthy dose of distilled spirits is the surest way to keep ourselves from becoming completely unhinged by glad tidings, and to make any questions about what became of the birds who surrendered their wings to make these feathery infant-receptacles seem somehow less important.

Hurry and order yours today, before our supply is cut off by well-meaning but misguided crusaders for child labor laws!
Only $12.95 each.
SPECIAL VALUE! GET A BUNDLE OF 12 FOR JUST $120!

 A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"