Turkey, With A Side Of Terror

The Facility is a division of Random Musings

This is not a problem

Staff at The Facility awoke this Thanksgiving morning to find they had less to be thankful for than they had originally hoped when it was discovered that an experimental mutant turkey had escaped during the night from the lab's underground containment chamber and was flapping amok through town, leaving a trail of destruction and horror in its wake.

According to Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, the traditional Thanksgiving meal component was part of an experiment to help reduce world hunger, while at the same time encouraging more humane treatment of domesticated avian food sources.

"What we were working toward was a sustainable turkey," explains Bloor. "That is, a species of featherless fowl not only genetically modified to be of increased size, but one also capable of regularly, and painlessly, shedding and regenerating the most delicious parts of its body for easy harvesting. Needless to say, this specimen is much larger than we had planned."

Bloor believes the turkey, which by noon had grown to be nearly 300 feet high, may have attained its massive proportions due to a malfunctioning timer on the equipment which automatically fed the bird special nutrients and bathed it with "a very specific type of radiation" at regular intervals. It is suspected that the faulty timer somehow became stuck and remained in the "High" position for several hours, rather than minutes.

"I guess we over-cooked the turkey," says Bloor, in a grim attempt at levity.

These were a problem

Robert "Rock" Abslab, head of security at The Facility, and Professor Rand MacGreggor, field explorer, are currently at the scene of the unfortunate holiday incident.

"Yeah, that's a [censored] huge beast, no two [censored] ways about it," shouts Abslab, over the nearly deafening sound of turkey gobbles rattling through the rubble-strewn town, "but we've dealt with worse. Right, MacGreggor?"

"Absolutely," says MacGreggor, with his usual cool demeanor. "The self-replicating holiday fruit cakes in '02 were a far greater global hazard, and we wrapped that episode up with a minimum of collateral damage. This is a localized issue. This isn't a problem."

When asked how they planned to eliminate the threat to the besieged town, MacGreggor and Abslab confirmed that they have a very definite strategy.

"Because of the risk to the townsfolk, we obviously can't use standard heavy weaponry such as large missiles," says MacGreggor, "so we've come up with a far more efficient, and in the the end perhaps more humanitarian, solution. Why don't you explain, Rock? You're the military man here."

The Facility's helicopter with really big [censored] axe

"Right on," says Abslab. "What we've basically done is have our R&D guys build a really big [censored] axe that we're going to airlift over the turkey. We've dumped about a [censored] ton of corn in bird's path and when it drops its head to peck at it, we drop the axe and wham! Right in the [censored] neck."

MacGreggor takes over, explaining that after the bird has been effectively decapitated, and has stopped spastically running around, highly trained ground troops will move in and hose it down with a proprietary non-toxic napalm, cooking it to juicy perfection.

"Such is the beauty of Abslab and MacGreggor's plan," says Dr. Bloor, speaking by radio from a secure location deep within The Facility. "If this works, and we're confident it will, not only will the damaging antics of the gigantic bird be ended for good, but its remains shall provide a holiday feast such as none have beheld before to the brave people of the town."

Pending the results of what is now being called "Operation Enduring Drumstick," citizens in areas not already flattened by the rampaging turkey are urged to remain calm and continue to enjoy whatever Thanksgiving activities they traditionally observe, but are cautioned to be prepared to flee for their lives at a moment's notice if necessary.