Mutant Monkeys Escape

Staff at The Facility were evacuated early this morning amid strident alarms and warning bells following the discovery of an apparently unauthorized opening of a box of research animals, which have since vanished. In addition to the missing specimens, the disappearance of an unnamed shipping clerk is also under investigation.

Well. This can't be good

"This is devastating," said Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility. "Those creatures were vital to our on-going research of, well, certain projects I'm not at liberty to discuss at this time. MacGreggor is going to be livid. Just livid, I tell you."

Dr. Bloor said that the six escaped lab animals, which are described as a cat-sized species of genetically mutated monkey, were sent to The Facility by field explorer, Professor Rand MacGreggor, from a location which in Bloor's words, "doesn't have an easily understandable relationship with ours in the current model of the time-space continuum."

Security teams continue to hunt diligently for the escaped animals, which are thought to be hiding in the maze of air ducts that serve the vast underground research center. Robert "Rock" Abslab, head of security for The Facility, is confident that the animals pose no risk to the public, noting that the research center's containment systems are "pretty (censored) solid." However, he does recommend that civilians be vigilant until all specimens are accounted for and asks that they report the sighting of anything resembling really big bats, as Dr. Bloor is of the opinion that the lab animals may have developed rudimentary wings while in transit.

Artist's conception of one of the missing specimens

When asked by concerned family members of the missing employee, Abslab admitted they have "no (censored) idea where the shipping clerk is," but are operating on the assumption that since the clerk's shoe found at the scene "doesn't still have a (censored) foot in it, we're guessing that he's probably just out having a (censored) smoke break somewhere." He further adds that, "if and when we find that (censored), he's going to have some pretty (censored) serious questions to (censored) answer."

At this time, the answer as to why ferociously carnivorous lab animals were allowed to be shipped to The Facility in a cardboard box remains as elusive as the missing animals themselves.

This report was contributed by The Facility, a science and research organization affiliated with Random Musings.