Safe, Modern, Effective!

So efficient you'll hardly know it's there!

You'll quickly become the envy of your neighborhood once you have this marvel of modern technology installed in the basement of your home!

Just imagine . . . no more awkward bending at the waist or squatting down to fiddle with the controls on one of those old-fashioned models! Once this ultra-modern product is in place, bruised knuckles and sore knees from constant manual re-calibrations will be a thing of the past.

And say goodbye to those unpleasant family arguments about whose turn it is to go downstairs to perform the exhausting series of calculations required to decrement the counter to zero on your old, inferior unit!

Annoying and embarrassing resets are no longer even an issue with this space-age device! Thanks to its advanced patented features allowing it to sense the molecular fluctuations of your home's systems, this model adapts and adjusts itself automatically! Plus, it's the only model approved  for both organic and inorganic variances!

At last, you'll be able to fall into an untroubled sleep whenever you choose knowing that the unit's sychronous retro-entabulators are working quietly in the background day and night to provide the most desirable levels of output available by law for everyone in your household.

We're so certain that you'll be delighted with this product that we're offering free delivery and set-up for the month of January. As an extra bonus, we'll even remove your old unit to be safely dismantled for disposal at our facilities.

With the End of the World predicted by the Mayan Calendar less than a year away, don't you think it's time you made an investment in the well-being of your family today? While we can't guarantee absolute safety in the event of a galactic apocalypse, we can assure you that once this product is in place, cleanup will be a breeze!

Order Yours Today!

NOW JUST $4850, while supplies last.
(Please specify square footage of home, birth dates of family members,
and religious affiliations prior to ordering so that we may determine the
model right for you.)

The End May Be Near

I'm guessing the Founding Fathers never saw this coming.

This week in my travels, I found this particularly upsetting example of a product that manages to combine our culture's unhealthy obsession with both youth and fame in one garish package.

No, your eyes don't deceive you. It's a Justin Bieber "Brush Buddies™" set.

Is there no end to the indignities we must endure?

Apparently not.

It's bad enough that numerous news agencies are all up in our collective faces incessantly reporting the dimwitted escapades of the cretinous celebrities our declining society has produced, but now we're being asked to put them in our mouths.

According to the product's description, in addition to dental floss, this boxed set contains not only a "child-sized" Justin Bieber toothbrush but also an "adult-sized" version. Personally, I'm a bit appalled by both, but there's something extra-creepy about the fact the toothbrush is available in a model for grownups.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking if the only way you can find to bond with your offspring is by hovering over the bathroom sink together and scrubbing your pearly-whites with singing* toothbrushes embellished with Justin's face (whose features, like the toothbrush itself, appear to have been molded of plastic), the time may have come for you to take a hard look at who is actually in charge of your household.

And if you're an adult buying this product for yourself? Well . . .  decorum prohibits me from continuing. Let's just say that perhaps some sort of counseling is in order, and leave it there.

If you're still skeptical that the End Times are rapidly drawing near, feel free to follow this link: Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush. Or perhaps this one: Brush Buddies Commercial.

Or, better yet, skip both links altogether and preserve whatever shreds of sanity you may still possess.

-------
*You heard right: At the touch of a button, the toothbrushes also "sing" a two-minute rendition of your choice of two tunes from The Bieb's musical catalog. Somehow I suspect that the sound quality will be less than "Audiophile".

Urgent Recall of Festive Balls

 . . . . Breaking News Bulletin Just In . . . .

A Mystery Ball glows eerily in
a Facility containment device.

Officials at The Facility today called for an urgent and immediate recall of all "Festive Mystery Balls" (Catalog #1011001100111) sold and distributed by their subsidiary company, Happy Home Products, last week.

The product, which was advertised as being able to produce feelings of euphoria in purchasers, has since been determined to be the delivery vessel for an extremely hostile species of trans-dimensional alien intelligence capable of taking over human thought and behavior.

Testing continues at The Facility to determine the exact origin of the malignant orbs, but initial results indicate they were able to cross over from a parallel dimension through a small rip in the time-space continuum and appear in the Happy Home Products warehouse.

Late-stage victims of
"Festive Mystery Ball Syndrome."

Reports of affected individuals engaging in psychic brain-cannibalism and other forms of civil unrest are already filtering into branches of The Facility around the globe, sending staff members and Facility Emergency Action Teams (F.E.A.T's) scrambling to prevent further societal disruptions.

"It's absolutely unbelievable," says Dr. Melissa [last name obscured for security purposes], head of the Common Sense Oversight Agency at The Facility.

"This is the most egregious breach of protocol we've seen yet," she says. "These things show up at Happy Home Products and they just start shipping them all over the planet without a word to us? Please. Give me a break. We should have been called in before the crates were even opened. Who knows how many people have been affected because of those [censored] morons over there. Excuse my French, but I'm very upset."

The Reverse-Dimensional

Neutralizer destroys an orb.

In a press conference via closed-cicuit television, Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, admits that while the situation looks grim now, he is optimistic that this unfortunate incident has been caught early enough to be resolved with a minimum of collateral damage if unaffected individuals rally to cooperate.

"We're asking citizens to come forward immediately if they, or anyone they know, may have a Festive Mystery Ball in their possession," says Bloor. "The alien orbs can be eliminated, but it is vital that proper handling procedures be followed for transporting them to our laboratories for safe disposal."

In his brief televised appearance, Bloor cautioned that civilians should not attempt to return, touch, or even look at, the Festive Mystery Balls themselves, but instead report any and all information they have to local authorities, who will coordinate further action.

Bloor is confident the threat can be destroyed by Reverse-Dimensional Neutralizers developed by The Facility for just this purpose. Several dozen of the machines are ready and standing by, according to lab technicians.

An affected civilian receives
specialized treatment.

Before being taken to his secure chambers until the crisis is ended, Bloor advised individuals concerned they may have been contaminated by exposure to the alien artifacts that they are eligible for free consultation and treatment by trained specialists at any local office of The Facility world wide.

Meanwhile, a spokesman from Happy Home Products says that as soon as the company is re-staffed, complimentary Gift Certificates will be issued to all customers who made purchases during the month of December.

A SCIENTIFIC AND RESEARCH DIVISION OF RANDOM MUSINGS

Chariot of Doom

. . . . Important Breaking News . . . .

It could be nothing at all . . . .

Officials at The Facility, a division of Random Musings, issued an urgent news statement today regarding "an object of concern" found in a local grocery store.

The object, which is described as what appears to be a sleigh devouring a hapless elf, has investigators looking into the possibility that the elf's oversized feet and legs may in fact disguise the multiple heads of a vicious alien in its larval stage, while the sled itself could conceal its developing body and wings.

"It's quite possible that we're looking at just another example of inexplicable holiday decor," says Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, "but one can never be too careful about such things . . . especially given the rise in UFO sightings of late. In the interest of public safety, we've taken the precaution of dispatching a team of our best investigators to the scene ."

Robert "Rock" Abslab, security chief at The Facility, is prepared for whatever his expeditionary team may find.

. . . or it could be a multi-headed alien death machine.

"Yeah, we're bringing some serious [censored] firepower to the game," says Abslab, patting the stock of his custom-made Ruger™ assault rifle. "On full auto, this baby spits out 750 armor-piercing rounds per [censored] minute, and this bad boy under the barrel? [Censored] grenade launcher. Nice, huh? Hank over there is packing the flamethrower. In this business it pays to be prepared, because you never know what kind of crazy [censored] you might come up against. Am I right, or am I [censored] right?"

Field explorer, Rand MacGreggor, supports Abslab's level of preparedness, noting that as the collapse of civilization predicted by the end of the Mayan calendar on December 23, 2012, approaches, incidences of the unexplained being reported to The Facility have reached record highs.

"We're investigating everything that shows up on our radar at this point," says MacGreggor. "We've already neutralized several attempts by lifeforms not of this earth to infiltrate humanity this year, and if it hadn't been for Rock's tactical expertise it's likely that by now we would no longer be the dominant species."

Dr. Bloor states that lifeforms of extraterrestrial, as well as extradimensional, origin have become increasingly crafty in their methods of disguise as they continue their relentless attempts to invade our world. As an example he sites a similar case, where what at first appeared to be an over-sized Thanksgiving "Horn of Plenty" decoration indeed proved to be an egg-sac for a particularly unpleasant species of alien.

Don't hesitate to call in disturbing reports

"Most humans go about their lives as though wearing blinders," says Bloor. "In this state of tunnel-vision the average person is largely oblivious to the appearance of even the most bizarre of objects, and sadly to the great beauty as well, in the world around them. The aliens are well aware of this flaw in our makeup as human beings, and they are exploiting it to the fullest."

Pending resolution of what has been code named "Operation Slay-Ride" Dr. Bloor is encouraging locals to continue their normal activities, but be prepared to seek cover immediately upon hearing machine gun fire and explosions in their vicinity.

The Facility is also asking that citizens across the planet be extra vigilant this holiday season, and report any suspicious activity in the sky. Consumers should also report the appearance of any unusually large, oddly-shaped, and incongruous ornaments and decorations.

We Don't Know Either

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOMES PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

We'll be the first to admit we have absolutely no clue what these are, or even where they came from. We certainly didn't order them, but they showed up on our loading dock last week in several unmarked crates, so we decided to take a leap of faith and offer them here in the hopes that our loyal customers will help us clear them out of our storerooms.

We feel pretty darn good about these

Although the initial reaction to these clusters of unidentifiable globules is one of revulsion, we've found that after handling them for awhile they begin to produce strangely pleasant nurturing sensations and a feeling of well-being! In fact, we felt so good about these mesmerizing spheroids that we realized sending them to The Facility for safety-testing would be a waste of time for the already overworked scientists at our parent company.

Don't wait a moment longer to order yours though, as many of our employees are already scurrying away as fast as their bipedal transport mechanisms will carry them with armloads of these oddly-compelling decorative orbs (no doubt to be given as unique gifts to their own family and friends) and supplies are dwindling!

We're so sure you'll also soon be equally entranced, that we're practically giving them away this holiday season! Truth be told, we are giving them away by including not one, but two, of these enigmatic lumpy spheres with every order that leaves our warehouse . . . ABSOLUTELY FREE (while supplies last)! In return, all we ask is that once they're in your possession you display them prominently in your home so that all may enjoy their tranquil aura.

In the very likely event that you'll want even more, we're willing to part with them for the extra-special Holiday price of just $1.99 each!

Order several today, and do your part to start spreading as much Joy to the World as humanly possible!

Festive Mystery Balls

Catalog #1011001100111

$1.99

(Prolonged exposure may produce tingling of the extremities, visions, skull-numbness, pineal gland stimulation, mild xenophobia, and temporary sensations of telepathic communication with outside entities. This is normal, and not a cause for alarm.)

A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

The Cleanest Bathroom on the Block

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOMES PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

So shiny and bright, you'll need sunglasses!

This season, why not give your Holiday Throne the deep-down scrubbing it so richly deserves with our functional and attractive Decorative Pine Tree & Triple-Action Bowl Brush Combo?

Say goodbye to that ineffective and unsightly single-headed brush you've been using, and stride purposefully into the 21st century armed with the most effective manual bowl cleaning tool ever devised. Why exert yourself vigorously scrubbing for minutes at a time with an old-fashioned brush, when you can finish the job in one fell swoop with virtually no risk of bristle spray-back?

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3:

1) While grasping the special germ-resistant fabric bundle at base of the brush, push the entire unit point first into the bowl until the last brush cluster is just below the rim. Don't worry . . . the super-flexible "tree trunk" is springy enough to follow the twists and turns of even the most convoluted plumbing systems without breaking or binding!

2) Once the Triple-Action Bowl Brush is in place, turn the base clockwise for 2 complete rotations, and Voila! Pipes, bowl, and even those hard-to-reach places under the rim are rendered spotless with unparalleled ease!

3) Now simply withdraw the brush and stand it on the floor in any location you find aesthetically pleasing and, as if by magic, this functional cleaning tool transforms into a beautiful piece of bathroom decor! Any water left in the brush's bristles will trickle harmlessly downward to be absorbed and sterilized in the base, leaving you free to go about your day untroubled by hygienic concerns.

We think the choice is easy!

Gone are the days of trying to hide those inferior bowl brushes in the cabinet under the sink, or in a corner somewhere where they're sure to tip over or be spotted by a sharp-eyed visitor to your home's lavatory. You'll sleep easier at night knowing that when you have company over they'll be marveling at your housekeeping skills, rather than fretting about their proximity to any potential sources of contagion from less artfully disguised cleaning tools!

Adorn and restore your commode to that "factory-new" condition and order your Decorative Pine Tree & Triple-Action Bowl Brush Combo today!

Just $29.99 each.
Holiday Special: Order two and receive a third for half-price!
(Do not handle with bare hands. Does not include recommended safety googles and rubber apron)

A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Jingle All The Way Underpants

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOME PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

Now available in fresh pine scent!

When we came across these satiny jingle bell-festooned holiday underpants in a local shopping center, we literally burst into sobs of joy and fell writhing to the floor in disbelief at their overwhelming holiday magnificence. But the price! It was an outrage! We knew in a moment we could do better for our loyal catalog customers.

We spoke not a word, but returned to our offices, picked up the phone and made a quick call. Our overseas factory soon told us we had nothing to dread. With a nod of our heads the shorts were soon ordered, and in a twinkling arrived with a minimal tariff.

In stock now, these Yuletide boxers shine with the luster of new-fallen snow, and are ready to be delivered to you within 5 working days! We know better than to ask what kind of materials our foreign partners used in the creation of these festive vestments, but trust us, their bells are somehow more jingly and their sheen more shiny than their Big Box Store counterparts . . . and at a fraction of the price!

As an added bonus, these whimsical little pants have also been magically infused with the scent of fresh pine!

The perfect gift for that spouse or significant other who has trouble "getting into the holiday spirit" now and then, we're sure that their Scrooge-like sentiments will fly up the chimney once you've convinced them to don these delightful undies.

Adorned with a dozen jingling bells

Take our word for it: in spite of the ringlets of jingle bell indentations left stamped on their thighs, the sight of your beloved standing resplendent 'neath the mistletoe in these spritely skivvies will inspire more than visions of sugar-plums to go dancing through your head!

Order several pairs today, and ensure years of romps through your own domestic winter wonderland for many seasons to come!

Available in sizes from "Elfin" to "Santa Plus."

Just $14.95, or two for $28.

(Do not wear near open flame or electrical devices. Prolonged contact my cause mild blistering. Keep away from pets.)

-Thanks to Melissa from the Common Sense Oversight Agency at The Facility for bringing these to our attention-

A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Santa: Fully Loaded

 A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Let him in. He's got the good stuff!

Out on your lawn arises a clatter, so you race to the front door to see what's the matter. You fling it wide open, prepared for the worst, and what to your wondering eyes should appear? Why, it's Jolly Old St. Nick himself! And from his swaying stance and unfocused expression, you can tell in a moment he's soused to the gills!

Here at Happy Home Products, we're sure everyone in your household will be intoxicated with seasonal joy when you invite this 14-inch tall replica of the whimsically whacked Merry Man in Red to take up residence on your favorite bookshelf or coffee table! Just don't place him too close to the fireplace, or where ambient temperatures may exceed 89 degrees Fahrenheit, as when heated some of the materials used in the production of these meticulously-crafted statuettes may release mildly-carcinogenic fumes.

You'll laugh 'til your belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly as your entire family gathers 'round to take turns imagining what lavish gifts the inebriated elf might be persuaded to bestow upon them in his besotted condition! Don't try to turn it into a Yuletide intervention though, or Santa might push up his fur-lined sleeves and decide, with a twinkle in his eye, that he wants to fight Grandpa Joe!

We're not sure which eye
to look into either!

But speaking of fighting, don't be left pummeling yourself with remorse when you discover that this fanciful figure of holiday over-indulgence has been sold out!

Order yours today, and avoid another crushing reminder of your inadequacy as a consumer of overseas imports this season!

Only $112, while supplies last!

(Please add $40 for mandatory leakproof shipping container)

Good Lord They're Everywhere!

NEW FROM THE "HAPPY HOME PRODUCTS" CATALOG:

You wish you could look away. But you cannot.

This holiday season, why not add a disquieting touch of festive whimsy to your household by adorning every available flat surface therein with swarms of sweetly slumbering infants nestled in the dismembered wings of doves?

Carefully molded of durable plastic resin in cheerful faraway factories, and hand-detailed with presumably non-toxic paint by young artists who love their jobs so much they're willing to work for pennies a day, these delightful ornaments are sure to make you smile uncontrollably for hours on end!

These 4-inch wide sculptures are now available in economical packages of 12, so you'll be able to ensure that everyone who visits your home during the holidays will be merrily dashing toward your liquor cabinet when they glance around and see at least one of these downy bundles of joy everywhere they look. And who would blame them? Certainly not us! We've found that a healthy dose of distilled spirits is the surest way to keep ourselves from becoming completely unhinged by glad tidings, and to make any questions about what became of the birds who surrendered their wings to make these feathery infant-receptacles seem somehow less important.

Hurry and order yours today, before our supply is cut off by well-meaning but misguided crusaders for child labor laws!
Only $12.95 each.
SPECIAL VALUE! GET A BUNDLE OF 12 FOR JUST $120!

 A Proud Partner with Random Musings in the

"Holiday Decor and Gift-Giving Blog-o-Palooza!"

Total Safety Recall

The Centrifugal Baby-Dryer. Things get weird after this.

Happy Home Products, a manufacturing division of The Facility, announced today that they are issuing a full recall of all models of their "Tubby-Time Centrifugal Baby-Dryer" units.

The device, which was developed to allow busy modern parents to replace the traditional and time-consuming method of using a soft towel to dry their post-bath child, may instead unexpectedly malfunction and fling the infant into an alternate dimension of time and space. 

A spokesman at The Facility verified the presence of "some sort of matter displacement glitch" in at least one of the machines in question. This finding was confirmed by Glen Mondebrat, who as a baby was evidently transported to a parallel universe earlier this week when the centrifugal dryer unit his parents had placed him into after his bath failed to function as advertised.

Reports indicate that Mondebrat, after vanishing from his parent's home on Tuesday as a 16-month-old baby, reappeared shortly thereafter that same day as a 47-year-old man. In a bizarre twist of quantum fate, Mondebrat emerged "as if from out of nowhere" to find himself standing in line at The Facility's complaint counter directly behind his own parents, who had just arrived to report his disappearance less than thirty minutes earlier.

Mondebrat, who had been missing only briefly in our own time period, while in the strange dimension where he found himself deposited as a baby had apparently reached adulthood, raised a family of his own, and played a key role in vanquishing a hybrid race of cruel reptile-ape overlords before returning to this reality through what is being referred to as "a small but dynamically shifting rip" in the time/space continuum.

Product Safety Engineers at The Facility are optimistic that the Mondebrat case will prove to be a one-of-a-kind incident, but regardless are strongly urging consumers to immediately stop using the dryers and return them to the nearest Happy Household Products outlet, or deliver them directly to The Facility for a full refund and compensatory free gift.

The Unbearable Dichotomy of Christmas

Words are sometimes inadequate.

Okay, we admit we're at a loss as how to intellectually reconcile this whimsical holiday tabletop decoration with anything even remotely resembling rationality, but that doesn't mean your family and friends won't be able to reap scads of joy and inspiration from its perplexing variation on Christ's nativity! 

We're sure that the moment this carefully mass-produced depiction of Santa™ genuflecting over the Baby Jesus takes up residence in your home you'll begin to wonder if Kris Kringle's sleigh, in addition to its ability to fly, is also capable of time travel . . . which would certainly appear to be the case with this delightful chronologically incongruous Jolly Old Elf™ in the manger!

At this special time of year, you'll no doubt want to pause in reverence for a moment to ponder what prayers might be tumbling from the lips of this red-suited icon of consumerism. Our own household members speculate that St. Nick is likely offering some sort of mumbled apology to the newborn Savior, while at the same time asking that glad tidings be delivered unto future generations of corporate holiday marketing focus-groups and pepper spray-armed shoppers alike, whose ability to completely miss the point will keep the Christmas reindeer flying high for years to come.

Look at their faces. Look at their faces!

Don't pass up this chance to add another inexplicable artifact to your child's already cumbersome burden of theological questions! Enhance their confusion and make an investment in years of future psychological counseling while simultaneously doing your small part to increase the trade deficit by purchasing this imported plasticine tribute to the Christmas Spirit™ today!

Regularly $70

HOLIDAY SPECIAL: $63.50!

Don't delay! Supplies are mercifully limited!
(Hand-painted in Indonesia)

Turkey, With A Side Of Terror

The Facility is a division of Random Musings

This is not a problem

Staff at The Facility awoke this Thanksgiving morning to find they had less to be thankful for than they had originally hoped when it was discovered that an experimental mutant turkey had escaped during the night from the lab's underground containment chamber and was flapping amok through town, leaving a trail of destruction and horror in its wake.

According to Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility, the traditional Thanksgiving meal component was part of an experiment to help reduce world hunger, while at the same time encouraging more humane treatment of domesticated avian food sources.

"What we were working toward was a sustainable turkey," explains Bloor. "That is, a species of featherless fowl not only genetically modified to be of increased size, but one also capable of regularly, and painlessly, shedding and regenerating the most delicious parts of its body for easy harvesting. Needless to say, this specimen is much larger than we had planned."

Bloor believes the turkey, which by noon had grown to be nearly 300 feet high, may have attained its massive proportions due to a malfunctioning timer on the equipment which automatically fed the bird special nutrients and bathed it with "a very specific type of radiation" at regular intervals. It is suspected that the faulty timer somehow became stuck and remained in the "High" position for several hours, rather than minutes.

"I guess we over-cooked the turkey," says Bloor, in a grim attempt at levity.

These were a problem

Robert "Rock" Abslab, head of security at The Facility, and Professor Rand MacGreggor, field explorer, are currently at the scene of the unfortunate holiday incident.

"Yeah, that's a [censored] huge beast, no two [censored] ways about it," shouts Abslab, over the nearly deafening sound of turkey gobbles rattling through the rubble-strewn town, "but we've dealt with worse. Right, MacGreggor?"

"Absolutely," says MacGreggor, with his usual cool demeanor. "The self-replicating holiday fruit cakes in '02 were a far greater global hazard, and we wrapped that episode up with a minimum of collateral damage. This is a localized issue. This isn't a problem."

When asked how they planned to eliminate the threat to the besieged town, MacGreggor and Abslab confirmed that they have a very definite strategy.

"Because of the risk to the townsfolk, we obviously can't use standard heavy weaponry such as large missiles," says MacGreggor, "so we've come up with a far more efficient, and in the the end perhaps more humanitarian, solution. Why don't you explain, Rock? You're the military man here."

The Facility's helicopter with really big [censored] axe

"Right on," says Abslab. "What we've basically done is have our R&D guys build a really big [censored] axe that we're going to airlift over the turkey. We've dumped about a [censored] ton of corn in bird's path and when it drops its head to peck at it, we drop the axe and wham! Right in the [censored] neck."

MacGreggor takes over, explaining that after the bird has been effectively decapitated, and has stopped spastically running around, highly trained ground troops will move in and hose it down with a proprietary non-toxic napalm, cooking it to juicy perfection.

"Such is the beauty of Abslab and MacGreggor's plan," says Dr. Bloor, speaking by radio from a secure location deep within The Facility. "If this works, and we're confident it will, not only will the damaging antics of the gigantic bird be ended for good, but its remains shall provide a holiday feast such as none have beheld before to the brave people of the town."

Pending the results of what is now being called "Operation Enduring Drumstick," citizens in areas not already flattened by the rampaging turkey are urged to remain calm and continue to enjoy whatever Thanksgiving activities they traditionally observe, but are cautioned to be prepared to flee for their lives at a moment's notice if necessary.

Breaking (Up) Dawn

Edward's Smoldering New Look

In the news today, the already messy and very public divorce of "Twilight" couple, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, got even uglier when, according to Edward, Bella maliciously switched his hairspray with a can of pressurized Holy Water.

Sources close to the couple say that Bella began behaving in an increasingly psychotic manner shortly after being "turned" by her vampiric spouse in his attempt to save her life following a particularly difficult childbirth.

"She got, like, way mean," says Tammi Anklefoot, former neighbor. "She started telling Edward they needed to hunt humans, you know, and saying, like, they should drink people blood instead of animal blood and stuff."

Anklefoot recalls often hearing loud arguments coming from the Cullen home. "Bella used to scream at him, and be all like, 'you're just a pasty-faced sissy' and stuff. He usually ended up running out of the house and driving off. It was way sad 'cause I could see he'd been crying."

Bella, who is no longer seen publicly, said in a brief phone interview that, "Edward turned out to be a major freaking disappointment. Once I saw the power of the night, the path became clear to me, and I realized it was not a path I could share with him. His constant brooding and all that time spent on his hair are the traits of a weakling, and not conducive to the inhuman lifestyle that calls to me in the dark hours."

Edward, speaking with great difficulty due to the damage done to his face, blames the collapse of their short-lived marriage on Bella's response to her tremendous weight gain while pregnant with the couple's unholy spawn.

"Bella was always a mite meaty in the drumsticks even before we married," he says, "and while she was carrying, she really packed it on. Afterwards she just couldn't seem to lose the extra weight, and somehow that was my fault." Edward adds that Bella believed drinking human blood would help her lose weight, and that she was angry he wouldn't physically or emotionally support her nocturnal predations.

Divorce proceedings have been delayed while doctors and cosmetologists try to determine if Edward's disfigured features will just grow back on their own, or if reconstructive surgeons and emergency hairdo specialists will need to be called in.

Suspicious Decoration Found

A bounty of happiness, or a feast of horror?

The overnight appearance of an unusual object at a local grocery store of what at first look appears to be a festive Cornucopia, or "Horn of Plenty," holiday adornment may in fact be an alien birthing pod.

A team of scientists and heavily-armed personnel from The Facility, a research center affiliated with Random Musings, is on its way now to investigate the mysterious and potentially hazardous artifact.

"It's the size of the thing which alarms us," says Dr. Quentin Bloor, director of The Facility. "We're hoping it turns out to be nothing more than a harmless and grotesquely oversized decoration for the holiday season. But if it indeed proves to be another birth pod, we have the proper paperwork which, if necessary, permits us to quarantine the area and neutralize with extreme prejudice any potential threat to the well-being of the populace as a whole."

Robert "Rock" Abslab, head of security for The Facility, is guardedly professional about what they may find at the scene.

Retain this chart for future reference

"We've seen this kind of (censored) thing before," Abslab says. "Small-town store, big (censored) weird decoration shows up, nobody gives it a second thought. No one asks, 'who the (censored) put that up?' They just figure the boss probably set it up after hours or something and forget about it. Nobody (censored) questions anything, and the next thing you know we gotta drop a fuel-air bomb on a whole (censored) town to clear out a hive of face-eating E.T.'s from the Omega Centauri galaxy before they can spread to the rest of the planet."

After calming down, Abslab conceded that the object could turn out to be just "some Godawful decoration someone's wife made in her craft class for Thanksgiving," adding that what he's thankful for this year is that one of The Facility's roving field agents happened to go into the store to buy coffee and called the object in "before the (censored) thing busted open and spewed an alien freakshow of death on unsuspecting shoppers."

Dr. Bloor is advising citizens to remain calm and not go shopping until the situation can be professionally assessed.

Decor for the Deranged

How it Sparkles and Shines!

Just in time for the holidays, this charming gender non-specific cherub is ready to wing its way into your heart and home through any door or window you've left open.

You'll screech with delight when faced with this 10" high faux-bronze angel of enchantment on your mantle or bookshelf. Just don't breathe too hard though, or you'll risk aspirating some of the presumably non-toxic magical glitter that coats the sculpture's entire surface and rubs off at the lightest touch!

Trust us on this one folks! Once they've caught a glimpse of its whimsically tarnished buttocks, even the most jaded and cynical family member or guest in your home is sure to have their heart, soul, and last vestiges of sanity carried away in this solemn-faced sprite's basket of delights.

Order yours today!

Reg. Price: $39.99
SALE: Two for $79!
Display only in well-ventilated areas away from small children and pets. May cause seizures when viewed under certain lighting conditions.

The Insomniac's Companion

Your time has come

In stores now! Not only will this stylish and state-of-the-art clock keep track of the ever-dwindling moments of your life, it will also project them in enormous, bright numerals onto the ceiling of what should be a relaxing sanctuary from life's challenges: your own bedroom.

It's the perfect nighttime accessory for insomniacs! Why make that extra effort of rolling over on one side to squint at an ordinary alarm clock to see what time it is now when you can simply stare, wide-awake, at the ceiling and calculate how many hours of sleep you could theoretically get by on if you could only just doze off either very soon, or at 4 AM . . . whichever comes first.

But wait, there's more!

Not only does this technological marvel beam the passage of time onto the ceiling, but also the current temperature of both the indoor and outdoor environments of your pre-dawn world. No more guesswork! Now you'll be able to tell at a glance if you will soon be dragging your exhausted body out of bed to face the icy embrace of yet another bitterly cold morning, or the early promise of an oppressively hot summer day.

Additional features include the ability to pick the alarm sound you'd rather have alert you to the fact that any brief engagement with sleep you may have had is now over. Select from: "Prison Break Siren," "Enraged Mechanical Bird," "Cascading Pots & Pans," "Incessant Maddening Buzz," or "Chorus of Jackhammers." You can also choose the built-in AM/FM radio option, if you'd prefer to be startled out of your sleepless reverie by irksome popular music or the strident voice of your favorite talk radio show host.

This fantastic clock is also programed with a choice of six soothing sounds of nature that you can listen to in a futile attempt to lull yourself into sleep while fantasizing that you're relaxing on the sand of a "Pacific Island Beach" you'll probably never visit, or surrounded by insects in a "Peaceful Woodland Clearing." Other nature sounds include: "Ceaseless Rain," "Howling Coyote Serenade," "Unnerving Jungle Noises," and "Vaguely Electronic-sounding Waterfall."

Don't wait a moment longer, for as you well know, time is running out! Don't let another night of fretful tossing and turning go by without this functional and elegant nightstand companion. Start dwelling on the relentless march of time tonight, and get yours today!

Available in finer mall kiosks and major department stores everywhere.